Teddy Boys Don't Knit (V. Stanstall)
With thanks to Bob Kruse.
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- - I gotta stump-legged lady to thump out the backbeat bump.
- I gotta bald-headed bassman 'cos he really hits the ceiling when he jumps,
- I gotta fat johanna player oughta hear him howl hosannah when he swings...
- He doubles harp and harpsichord . . . but if he's feelin' bored -
- For a treble he will double chins.
- I'm King Kripple in the band and everybody is the jerker in the pack.
- We gotta hunch-backed drummer just in case we get too laid back.
- We say the world's a pavement oyster ...
- So we're gonna hoist a Union Jack.
- The lead guitarist is a pigmy and shortly he'll quick rig me up a riff.
- The roadie gets his rocks off - but if he whips his socks off - don't whiff,
- 'Cos his feet are that athletic . . . he's a walking anaesthetic for the blues. .
- And it's amazing how he sways to the 'Kripple Band' off-stage
- In 7" high, high stacked smellin' shoes.
- The audiences panic when my saxist schitzophrenic blows.
- He's a double-headed giant and he calls himself Briant and may . . . be. . .
- You'll half believe it when be lights up -
- Stuffs two saxes in his gob and goes."
- After a good deal of Suetenius-sapping and Graves-digging
- your historical roman. Still discombobulated? You won't be when you hear:
- Trousers, wowsers, dungarees and jodphurs,
- Trying to find a pair to fit.
- Knickerbockers, plus-twos, easy-breezes,
- Legless in a bottomless pit.
- Up jumped the trousers and they mortified the guests.
- At least they didn't make a smell - for that we all are blessed.
- Up jumped the trousers, knickerbockers in a twist?
- The dog is stuffed stiff 'n' dead; but I'm a ventriloquist.
- All of a blooming sudden the wind began to growl,
- All of a blooming sudden the ghost began to howl:
- "And when I find my trousers I'll find my feet,
- Discover my logs, for the first time - I'll walk my Gums.
- (By your lamp post)
- Then when your sleeping Humbert's ghost will creep - (Up on you)
- And steal your teeth. And when I land a pair to fit - I dream:
- I'll walk my dog - I'll bow-wow-wow . . . (On your lamp post)
- And upright folk will say, 'That dog he's alright - he won't bite.
- He's dead."
- I'm moved to tell you of my love for Claude -
- 'E has us all in stitches and cages - in riches or rages
- One big advantage is with Claude you're never ever bored.
- 'Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus' - Jupiter! Who are ye the noo?
- "I'm Claw . . . claw . . . claw . . . claw . . . claw . . . claw . . . claw,
- I'll call you Claude.
- 'E liked that 'e's right homely too.
- Just like normal people, he likes his food -
- A tickle too much, I don't wish to be rude ...
- But he likes me to sing as he chucks and he throws
- A vast vomit-oratorio . . . tralala ...
- In many respects he is very fair - dispatching his, dispatching her.
- He's writing a history but reading romance by Barbarian Cartland
- Oh! Oh! I'm ordered to dance. . .
- That minx Messalina is pushing her luck -
- Behaving the bawd - not giving a flying one.
- That lynx should be thrown to the hippos at least,
- She'd be right at home - she's a right filthy beast,
- But my Claude is so blinkered with booze and so kind,
- He's a real artiste with an amusing red wine.
- A priest of 'let bygones' - tho' brutes may scoff ...
- Claude, if he likes 'on, let's 'em off.
- Once clocking a triumphal crocodile do - my Caesar quite jolly,
- Well, 'e'd 'ad 'ad a few. 'E boggles Caractacus biting his chains -
- Roaring disdain - but admiring the drains.
- Our system of sewage is best beyond doubt.
- Claude stammers: "That b ... b ... bloke, is he froggie or kraut?"
- A limey, my Lord, sometimes called 'Caradoc'.
- Old Claude leaned forward and yelled, "Blimey" and "Watcha cock!
- The limey replied with a very cracked tongue.
- I thought 'e's blown it now, by gum.
- Is he off to the circus for cakes games and fun?
- "No, no" laughs old Claude, "I like the cheek of that bum."
- Shouts Claude, "You're free and whatever you've done -
- Don't do it again. Enjoy the sun."
- 'Up yours" and gosh! - Ingrate English toad.
- "'E's a good lad" said Claude. "underneath all that woad.''
- England's a greyland of bogs and mist
- Where they all got rotten on mead and mutton and hogs ...
- Oh ye Gods! I'm reminded of clogs ...
- (Just quaint wooden booty from an old Gaulish Queen)
- And I've worked out this snazzy routine ...
- Calypso to colapso - maybe perhapso ...
- Colapso to calypso - collapsin' to calypso
- Loosen up - marionette
- Snake-thighs - stone-wise
- Juice it up - hurry get it
- Pork pies in foyer!
- Toupee for the telepho' - lazy let your lips go.
- Lapin 'til the pips go ...
- Yellow full of glowing - watching full of knowing
- Viva voce sotto - our motto: blotto.
- Mount Gay rum feeling - relaxo on the ceiling.
- Loosen up - marionette
- Snake-thighs - stone-wise
- Juice it up - hurry got it
- Pork pies in foyer!
- Doctor says I'm very sick - oblige please
- Make the cheque out quick.
- Dancing with the dipso-Man-I-a calypso.
- Brimful for the burst she,
- Yet for this is thirsty.
- Geezer, wot a ginger geezer. I nearly 'ad a seizure,
- When I clocked 'im in the frog.
- Spruced up in me piccolo, me titfer an' me daisys,
- Bowling down the rubba wiv me cherry china fido
- Rolled an oily rag.
- Me cherry bread and cheesed
- You won't adam wot I sees -
- Some geezer. an ooly ginger geezer,
- A geezer wiv a hooter I suppose -
- I really 'ad to rabbit an' pork to this geezer,
- Itie-ice-cream freezer,
- Ginger geezer. sees-y'around.
- Back in the old days, tramp played hurdy-gurdy,
- Rollin' out the barrel. Horse 'as got 'is oats t'day -
- Ole Muvver Riley's on 'er bike - she's got green apples. . .
- Tried to come the old acid wiv me. All the same, I just
- Trousered the boodle - GINGER GEEZER SEE-Y'AROUND.
- Would it be a bore ... to hear yet encore
- I was drowning ... before you?
- Just a strutting Scaramouche... but you filled me -
- Bouche to bouche with bestial... inspiring ...
- Then followed days when we ... wolves, unashamedly ...
- Fugitive far from my pach-y-derm-mysteries of wilderness, .
- Snow, waste, but my wife know this: Wolves mate for life.
- As the bewilderbeeste ... flows to the ancient feast ...
- Knows he will find release in rhythmic predestine -
- Deed and in thought with you - go easy to my death, this
- Herring-bone Macbeth: Lay on MacLove.
- The cracks are showing ... the cracks are showing...
- Listen to the Loonies croon.
- While the Man in the Moon that
- They left behind is rising in the East.
- Heigh-ha-ho the ways things are ...
- The clocks are baring their teeth.
- Tick - Grandfather's stopped.
- Time for Time to flash her dazzling dentures.
- Heigh-ha-ho the way things are ...
- The cracks are showing ... the cracks are showing ...
- The Cracks are Showing.
THOCK for short (Terry His On-going Clips Keeps)
- Biking down the road - THOCK
- Good advice from Dad - "Always wear yer clips, son."
- Pity that he's dead - Buried with his clips on.
- Terry is a clean young man, but next door think he's weird.
- His Idi-Amin-o-syncraties are stranger than my beard.
- And if he's strange - He won't change. he won't change, he don't change.
- When he rides to work - THOCK
- Like any other bloke - THOCK
- Slaving at the bench - THOCK
- Quiet in the gents - THOCK
- When he goes to bed - THOCK
- More advice from Dad - "Only take yer boots off.
- Bending for the soap - THOCK
- Afterwards. a fag - Terry has a good cough.
- Terry,
- Why don't you behave like normal people doodle-oodle-do?
- Terry is an upright chap and seldom is he rude,
- Because he keeps his clips clamped on - he's never in the nude.
- And if he's strange - He won't change.
- Twenty five hours a day - THOCK
- Any other way? No! - THOCK
- Lot se tell you why - THOCK
- As his Dad would say - "To stop those wasps and creepy-crafties
- crawlin' up yer trousers."
- When he mows the grass - THOCK
- Protects his private parts - THOCK
- All the wasps can piss off!
- Sittin' on a bus with a stack of Golden Oldies,
- Checkin' out the label on a rare and Screamin' Jay.
- So wrapped up in 'What That Is', throbbin' in my seat.
- Hardly notice this Old Raincoat - twitchin' to the beat.
- All I reckon I bout Old Raincoat. who's sittin' opposite:
- S'nice to see old rockers - then he had a fit.
- Clutched his chest, turned white, and to use the old cliche:
- Macintosh-merchant went and I passed away
- He flung a dummy yeah, He flung a dummy,
- He kicked the bucket - he just passed away. (Brown bread)
- He flung a dummy. they checked his pocket.
- And this is funny -
- He flung a dummy with a round trip fare-yeah-yeah.
- Some old girl lost her goggles and asked: "What's happened, Son?"
- I said: "I'll tell you, Mrs. Lady,
- 'The Feast of the Mau Mau'
- Has just begun, hey."
- Conductor starts conductin I like 'Enery-flippin'-Wood.
- "If a bloke's about to snuff it - 'a should stop at 'ome. 'e should."
- Waves his arms, "Don' t be alarmed."
- I don't hear what he says. I'm still going like the clappers -
- To the jazz, jazz, ju-ju jazz of Screamin' Jay,
- Growing up to be like Dad, death-defying times ahead,
- Retelling stories old, of times when Dad was older/younger.
- Now he sits and has every comfort and sits with a washable cover,
- Yet it niggles him that his life has gone cheerio-by,
- So he says to his son: 'I don' t want to think, I'm not paid to think.
- I've retired you see me.
- But it worries so, how can I convey: you might turn out to be-
- Possibly an armchair like me?"
- But alternatively:
- A fresh-faced boy in navy blue. shaven and shorn with shiny shoes,
- Two O-Levels, 5 foot eight - the ideal young novitiate.
- O the morning run is lots of fun - especially if it's raining.
- We look real sports in our knee length shorts - it's all part of the training.
- There's bags of spit and lots of swanking and bromide tea to stop you
- Thinking about anything at all.
- Sunflower seeds, ginseng and kelp - Nature's way to raise your whelp.
- Healthy foods to trust in. "More yoghurt, Justin?"
- Case you think that we're the old traditional ways, gainsaying.
- (You will call your Father, Sir)
- Justin at great expense, to cultivate his common sense,
- Has tubular sculpture to play in.
- Toby's teething - how he screams. Incessant Self-expressed,
- Dad's diapezan, wifey's fits, encounter group incest.
- Jessica pulls her doll to bits. "AhahaH! says her trick-cyclist ...
- "Will ye gie us 2 quid for a cup of tea, I've got change of a fiver,
- I'll accept a cheque wie a bankers card - I'm a trusting soul survivor."
- I don't want to think, I'm not paid to think.
- I've retired you see me.
- I'm sorry, Son - I'm passed it now, I Id just like to be
- Possibly an armchair.
- "Dad, this may be a shock - but I don't want to be even possibly,
- or maybe or eventually - because armchairs always: Get stuffed!
- I'd just like to be Possibly an Armchair.
- Nobody understood she knew her problem -
- Only could be cured without confusion.
- In that humble jail that Jesus made for Man (pass Go - collect 200)
- But it had to be her own strong distillation.
- Not the don't or doo-dah denominations ...
- Flashing off their O.D. Christian facelets -
- She'd seen it all before, so help me.
- Mea Culpa, maya Baba - (Clap hands and feed 5000)
- Don't don' t don't don't ... don't don't don't don' t let me in.
- O it'll bring a little peace a few hours of release -
- But the price I'm payin' - . .
- I'm just a little girl from Ayrshire - whereshire - No-shire. .
- Woe-shire ... Here I go-shire.
- Read my label - I' m unable to och, och away - so:
- Don't don't don't don't ... don't don't don't don't let me in.
- I only turn wicked when I want to hurt myself and you won't let me, hin,
- Layin' my soul on the line to dry out, ' Bass Macaw and Broken Bottles
- Hear ma Glasgae cry out:
- Don't don't don't don't don't don' t let me in.
- Ordered to a clinic under protest.
- "Straighten up or Go Down" - so no contest!
- With 'Jesus Loves Me' tattoo'd round her wrist.
- That bluey gris-gris bangle meant that she could handle
- Anything they dished out - she'd somnabulist out.
- Caligari angles - O what a freak show. Carica-tuinal Trappist
- All I need is a whispering reed to soothe my roundelay. or
- A friend in creed who will sing with me and celebrate -
- Then the blues and the pinks and the orange and the blues
- And the yellows ...
- Will take their place with my polaroid mates - all plastered on my guitar
- And laughin' -
- "Oh Oh won t you heed his plea?"
- We started off sweethearts from childhood She loved to play hospitals too.
- Then one day my sweet caramia Catheta said: Don Juan day, I gone marry you."
- And that really gets up me nose.
- "To nose, nose, nose hymn."
- She'd tune in to cry by the radio set,
- And I joked inbetween her sobs -
- For a gal with a permanent headache
- You sure do like twiddlin' knobs.
- "She hit him . . . then she bit him.
- ... and then she struck a pose."
- And that really gets up ma nose.
- "To nose, nose, nose, hymn. "
- Please Lord, make as rich and attractive.
- If you can' t manage both - make me rich.
- I'm so sick of her S.O.B. itching ...
- Jesse O be how they preaches.
- Deliver them riches -
- Cos I'm hitched to that ...
- "Ugly, loathsome, pockmarked, impurely ... old"
- Last post.
- Now Harrod's is our habitat where Woolworths once would do,
- We haven't changed a jot, in that - we don't buy, we just choose.
- The old man sits with his guitar, sometimes his big hits he'll play
- 200 pounds of 'groceries' will keep me quiet today ...
- The friends he had that loved him aren't welcome anymore,
- Unless of course they're in the charts, in which case: I'll say no more.
- And see that gold disc halo that frames my head so swell?
- It's my rockin' role to protect him, but - heavy armours
- Such a well, well. well ... to wear/where?
- When we go out I squander for the sake of 'Like Appearance' chick,
- Because he once opened up to me - I'm gonna shut him down for keeps.
- I'm gonna shut him down ... shut him down for keeps.
- In country mansion clover 'The King' is shrinkin' all over.
- Puttin' on weight, puttin' on-Great! - I'm gonna use him.
- I'm you're road-show runner, baby: Bleep, bleep, bleep.
- I'm a chiffon-shove-offer-I'm going cheap.
- I don't love you but I lead you-like a sheep.
- All day at the office micro-fishing with chips.
- Inoffensive Bog Cratchit, sweet natured, hare-lipped,
- Computing packed lunches with neat megabytes,
- Efficient and no threat, Bob always has Time. And he...
- Takes off his glasses the better to listen, he ...
- Closes his eyes to now let me see. And ...
- All of his journeys have deep sense of mission. And...
- All of his senses know journeys of joy.
- But in the dark in bed he's reading:
- Smoke signals, sleeping in the raw - smoke signals in the night.
- De-sign language, eisteddford of the spheres - no re-Morse Code melodies.
- Mild mannered Bob frees all the sur-realities,
- Bounden duty overthrown. Mainspring peepholes and -
- What the butler saw: 'Smoke Signals in the Night'.
- All of his journeys have deep sense of mission. And ...
- All of his senses know journeys of joy.
- But in the dark in bed he's reading:
- Raw sleeping, freedom to explore - smoke signals in the Night.
- Resign BASICS. assuage the day-to-daily blackmail cypher of machine.
- Sees how the past and future lies - scenarios of Paradise,
- Becomes as one with stone. All that remains unseen and -
- What the butler saw: 'Smoke Signals in the Night'.
- I s'pose it's 'cos I blow my nose too loud,
- I'm a dreadful anglo-klaxon man - I'm proud.
- I know why you dislike it when I let one off,
- But I can't respect you if it's acceptable
- Behind a cough - and hide it
- O all the lies we heed - O all the lies we need
- To survive - to survive.
- I oughta trim my nostrils and my ears - after-shave.
- Don't wanna smell a guardsman, but gardenias what they're marchin' to and
- I'm supposed to have - Self-confidence, sheepish commonsense.
- Behave, Pretend, like you,
- It never happened - and hide it.
- Now I'm not suggesting we behave like swine.
- You in your handkerchief - I in mine.
- Orwell wrote the cover version to 'Jollity Farm' .
- Yeah, now I'm a freaky farmer, not a city-sneaky-charmer
- And see why you try - and hide it.
Contents
| History
| Tracks
| Discography
| Gallery
| Radio/TV/Films
| Links